Translated Accounts by Kelman James

Author:Kelman, James [Kelman, James]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9780857901491
Publisher: Birlinn

21

“if under false pretences”

But those for whom we were perceived they watched us, they watched me. Their eyes might flicker. The feature that was consistent was sardonicism. They were not angry, not irritated. It was beyond a personal emotion but holding true only should the circumstances not alter. If I/we had given rise to inconsistency emotional alterations might have taken place and in the past I had given rise to anger. The most common effect if not immediate impatience was frustration, the frustration of the individual, not unkindly. But soon it yields impatience then irritation, yet within the impatience is the seed of the sardonicism. If the sardonicism was always to follow, if I knew this to hold true always, then on behalf of others I might relax, have relaxed, I think I did. For myself, I had to contain my inner life. Ever-watchful. If I was stopped the mistake could never be theirs, never of their manufacture. My circumstances were awkward and difficult and this was assumed. They were obliged to assume this until they might intuit something other. Once that was made into its place, put into there, then I was altered, become a hostile presence, so that for then, until then, I was present under false pretences.

I know this as a juncture. It can arise on the road to a freedom, what is mistaken for freedom. This idea is necessary to take the step, to progress beyond that juncture, before setting oneself the task, of getting to it.

If I continue under false pretences.

Yes, what then?

It need not be a point towards something further.

Others were offered inducements, I was not. I was not forced, nor physical pressures put to me, onto me. It did not happen. I can say it did not. I shall not deny the thing. Is it reality. Then it is reality, if it is reality it is so.

What then, these other voices.

These other voices never cease. Varied elements, words sometimes distinct. The people there did not notice the voices. They had their own thoughts, deeper thoughts, deeply, more, some having strategies, existing within these strategies. Perhaps they have reached midway, now, perhaps further, soon they will awaken and will re-enter the world. I am part of this world. For now, until then, they do not (cannot) perceive me.

Should I be allowed this?

Yes, not as licence, I should be allowed this not as licence, having come to there. I have arrived to there. Yes a journey

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